People are wondering what’s going on with me. Since I don’t think secrets serve anybody, I’m going to share a personal letter I wrote to my in-laws and an attached article that “Splains everything, Lucy.” So here it is. Judge me if you will, judge away muthuhfuckuhs. In our attempt to save a little girl from deaths door at a shit-hole orphanage, my super-mom superpowers were put to the test. 10 years later, resignation. Can’t save everybody. And at this point, I just gotta save myself. And the remaining members of our nuclear family.
Hi Mom, (& *****)
Erik wanted me to forward you this article which my friend Tracey sent me. The first time I read it I was stunned to see my life so handily displayed in black and white. After reading it several more times I have to say it is the single most concise explanation of what I’ve spent 10 years doing. The director of Geneva’s unit, after speaking with me on the phone, told me he thought I had PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or some degree of it, and I had to agree. Attempting to be Geneva’s mother has changed me, I’ve said it a dozen times, and here it is in this paper. At any rate, researching more deeply the fallout of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) Erik and I will be strategizing differently. Since Geneva has been out of the home, Estelle has begun to blossom. Living in this vacuum, I had not realized how much living in this war zone has oppressed Estelle’s spirit, but now it’s quite clear. Anyway, I could go on for days. Our family situation is described in every. Single. Sentence. I have always viewed myself as one of the most emotionally/mentally strong people I’ve ever known, knowing very little fear and certainly rarely questioning my sanity or capabilities. But there has been a slow, almost so slow it was not perceptible, deterioration in my mental/emotional health and only by standing back and gathering this and other data, can I begin to realize just how far I have fallen from who I used to be. I mean, I know how miserable I am, but putting a face on it is another thing entirely. I only leave the house when forced. I can sleep for outrageous amounts of time. I quit school. I quit the gym. I tried to quit my band, but some tiny spark of life preservation jumped in at the last second, prompting me to beg for my job back ~ most days I cry off and on for hours. And I, am not a crying, miserable person. This is NOT who I am! Jumpy in public, angry in public, completely distracted at all times, my mind buzzing with a thousand ways to “fix” everything, but nothing ever works. This decline is because I have been somebody’s target for almost 10 years now. Walking around your own home with a target on your back changes a person. And NOT for the better…. Yesterday I went to see Geneva on her unit and I was crying within 5 minutes, as she was difficult with me and showed no attempt to even ‘schmooze’ me for a get out of jail card. The only time there was a glimmer of any emotion was at the mention of her freedom, a word she used when I suggested that hopefully she would get better. She was not concerned with getting better, only getting ‘free.’ But it was only the concept of freedom that she responded to ~ coming home or rejoining her family was not a factor. She was pulling all the same crap on me she does each and every day, each and every hour. Last night I spent some time researching more RAD data, including reading some blogs by women who have been doing this for years and years, and suddenly I realized that even more pervasive than an underlying mood disorder, we were dealing more and more with RAD, along with the fetal alcohol and mental retardation. A trifecta of agony and frankly, flat-out family destruction. This kid, this poor damaged soul, has just about managed to take me down….and as I fall, so do Estelle and Erik. A wake of misery. And after pouring your heart and soul into an abyss for 10 years, a sad ending to a tragic story of deprivation. I’ve never been one to be ANYbody’s target. I told her psych unit that I have “a very low tolerance for abuse.” But putting motherhood first, I was looking at these things as challenges. Sadly, from all the research I’m reading, these challenges do not go away and in fact, I have YET to run across anybody who’s had any degree of success at fixing these kiddo’s. All that’s happened is the destruction of marriages and families, in their heroic attempts to fight the good fight. We are not sure what our next move will be, but at this point I have drawn a line in the sand. One patient (Geneva) is turning into 4, as she destroys the rest of us. Well, not on my watch. Throwing myself and Stel under the bus is not an option any longer….especially since there is no cure. She already broke my finger last month, swinging at me. I won’t wait for her to put me in the hospital or worse. This is fixin’ to end, one way or another. The line that most jumped out at me in this article, tho they ALL rang true, was “It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers.” Hello. Taken straight from our daily play book around here. In fact, the night we took Geneva to the hospital, she had been taunting and tormenting me all day ~ but it was not until Erik left to go to the store (or the gym or somewhere, I’ve blocked it out) that she became physically aggressive towards me. Literally within about one minute. So calculated. Which you don’t want to ascribe to a ‘child’, being calculated, but she is. Then when Erik came home, it had become so combustable that even she could not control herself any more and began kicking in my bedroom door repeatedly….turning our home from a home into a violent, psychiatric ward. There’s nothing quite like being pursued by a violent person, in your own home. And my child, no less? Somebody’s gonna get hurt or killed and I think, in fairly short order unless we take measures to prevent it. I want to write a better ending to this story other than death and destruction. I appreciate all your support and advice over the years and consider myself blessed to have married into a family of such smart and loving folks. As for me, I am trying to dig my way out and seek recovery for PTSD, given to me by my CHILD, not by war. But a mother, who is really a mother, is truly never free. My home IS a battleground (as this article describes in a way I would have never thought to use). Here’s to writing a better ending to this story….I was prepared for motherhood, not for war.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
in Parents of
Reactive Attachment Disordered Children
by Jody Swarbrick
Many foster and adoptive families of Reactive Attachment Disordered children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected, after all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life. An emotionally unhealthy way of life. We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?
The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a RAD child. Family and friends may think that you — the parent are the one with the problem. Families are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can’t even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive.
It is a known fact, that kids diagnosed with RAD tend to target their Moms, play it cool around their Dads, and charm strangers. Where does that leave a parent? Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of their child.
Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of our RAD children. It’s heartbreaking, frustrating, mindboggling, and extremely stressful. In essence, we’re fighting to teach our children how to love and trust. Intimacy frightens our children; they have lost the ability to love, to trust, and to feel remorse for hurtful actions. They see us as the enemy. Small expectations on our part can set our children off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.
Your home becomes a war zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities, and your own sanity. You know that your child has been hurt beyond words, you ache for them. Despite your loving intentions and actions, it’s thrown in your face. Your heart’s desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your child. You want your child to have a fulfilling childhood and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.
In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous affects on our well-being literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.
The primary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:
- Avoidance — refusing to recognize the thoughts and feelings associated with the trauma, this further includes avoiding activities, individuals, and places associated with the trauma.
- Intense distress — when certain cues or “triggers” set off memories of the traumatic event. You may have trouble concentrating, along with feelings of irritability, and frustration over trivial events that never bothered you in the past.
- Nightmares and flashbacks — insomnia or oversleeping may occur. You may exhibit symptoms such as heightened alertness and startle easily.
- A loss of interest in your life — detaching yourself from loved ones. Losing all hope for the future and a lack of loving feelings.
Secondary symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can include:
- The realization that you are no longer the person you once were. Relationships have changed by alienating yourself from loved ones. Loneliness and a feeling of helplessness prevail in your daily life.
- Depression, which can lead to a negative self-image, lowered self-esteem, along with feeling out of control of your life and environment. You may become a workaholic and physical problems may develop.
- You become overly cautious and insecure. Angry outbursts may occur putting stress on significant relationships.
If you are parenting a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment disorder, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope. Counseling is readily available to families and individuals. Take advantage of resources that will help you put the traumatic experiences into perspective, enabling you to let go of past feelings by replacing them with positive skills for recovery.
Reactive Attachment Disorder and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
FAS Community Resource Center
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