So today I was downloading some tunes and making a new spring mix CD for my car, a yearly tradition. I did this today to distract myself from the news, from my own malaise, my continual sense of helplessness about the world. Hell, about my own kids. I can’t control one, I can’t fix the other. Or is it I can’t fix one and I can’t control the other….the solution of course is to be more pro-active and get my hands dirty doing something to help people in need. It just seems I can never quite put my finger to it. The thing I should do. It was this same sense of frustration I felt after both of our adoptions. I got two out of there, but what about the rest? The ones left behind, forgotten. Charitable and aid organizations pick up this ball like pro’s and toss it around, spreading help to the world. God, they are amazing. Those people are amazing. We give them money; a decent chunk. I suppose that helps assuage my painful, guilt ridden soul.
I was making my playlist and looked down to see two songs listed one after the other: “Milk” & “Mercy”. Those were the titles. My mind flew to Burma, China. Yes, thats exactly what they need there – Milk & Mercy. I pictured a toddler, homeless and wandering in rags. Maybe she had parents left, maybe she didn’t. She needs milk. I imagined a mother, weeping and wailing over her dead baby. She needs mercy. And altho I constantly use music as therapy (saves thousands of dollars) today there was no escaping the agonies of the world. No amount of distraction could prevail. I began to run the gauntlet of world problems and questioned if milk & mercy could really help. Milk is even better than water if you’re starving, right? (Don’t make me go into ‘if it’s not spoiled and what about lactose intolerance’ etc. This is my imagination, in my attempt at a solution -and I hand the villagers glass after glass of cold, whole milk and they smile as they drink and maybe they even get little milk mustachios….) And mercy? Well, who couldn’t benefit from a fistfull of that? Like, HEY – Could mercy change evil doers? Jesus would say, “Yes.” Then I cogitated about some really over the top evil bastards – they make the news every friggin’ day – they throw babies from bridges, mutilate animals…is there ANY amount of milk or mercy that could ever help those wicked pricks? And frankly, by the time they’ve done their evil they aint gettin’ ANY of my milk and I’d just-asoon throw the switch as to show them mercy. See, that’s how I know I’m not Jesus….not even close. I guess maybe they needed the milk & mercy long before they went evil. That’s part of what motivates me to keep working with my daughter who has so many post institutional problems. She spent so many years in a developmental wasteland that she’s not normal and I don’t know if she will ever be. My goal is to avoid her becoming a sociopath. The theory being; If I give her enuf Milk & Mercy now….maybe, just maybe…..
Because I don’t want to READ about her later. I don’t want her to BE the news. It falls on me to attempt to thwart the possibility. And when I think about the agony of the world tonight my heart tightens. I want to grab-up all those babies and make them safe again, tho they are not. I want to take those parents back in time and return to them their precious, beautiful children. But I cannot. Powerless does not even begin to cover it – the incompetence I feel. So it seems what I am left with sits right here in my own home. Today she’s lied to me several times, broken rules and and now I hear her father in the other room telling her to “DROP IT, DROP IT!” and I don’t even know what the hell it is, but I do know that she’ll continue to push his buttons until he wants to throw her into the back yard for the night. But we can’t do that. My only option, and I do feel a bit trapped here when I say this, is to get up, go in there, and give her something she needs. To head upstairs, lounge into my fat clothes and crawl under the covers is not acceptable. I have to go now. Milk & Mercy needed in the next room.
Feisty Bloggin' Housewife 
I feel a lot like this tonight. Thanks for putting my feelings into your words. Milk and mercy, I like that. ~Kari
Comment by kari — May 17, 2008 @ 1:47 am |
I hate to be a negative voice here, but I’m already at a point where I truly have no idea what to do next with my son. He steals at EVERY opportunity and every moment he’s left on his own (like in the bathroom) he does something to show me that I cannot leave him alone. He’s 14 and the world is not going to be as forgiving as I’ve forced myself to be due to his FASD. His stealing (usually food) is just plain crazy. I locked the pantry, he found the keys and helped himself in the middle of the night. I brought the keys to my bedroom when I went to bed and I woke up to find him rummaging around in my room looking for them (creepy). Alarms for his door? He opens and closes his door dozens of times during the night just to piss everyone off and keep everyone awake. The boy doesn’t sleep much and when he does, he tosses and turns and talks non-stop (talk about painful to watch). He was on three different sedatives at one point and he still didn’t sleep. He’s on no meds now and I see no difference. No, he was never in an orphanage, just in a very neglectful home for the first 9-10 mos. of his life. No amount of PT, OT, Speech, Sensory Integration or Talk therapy has made a difference in any way (except for our checking account and his ability to manipulate and triangulate the adults in his life). In 4 years he can legally just walk away from our home and we can’t force him to stay. I obsess about his becoming a sociopath, just preying on the goodness of those who buy into his stories and pity him since he’s had such a rough like (well, he made our lives rough, if that counts). We can never do enough for him – it just isn’t possible when you have a kid who doesn’t know what they want to begin with. No matter what we do, it will never be enough and we know that. So where do we go from here? We’re home schooling to keep him from ripping off all the kids at his former school. I can’t take him into a store because he eats anything he finds on the floor and stuffs his pants, socks, whatever….with anything he can pilfer. The kicker? When he was in school I kept being told that he wasn’t that bad, he didn’t qualify for many services because he just wasn’t that bad. He was such a thoughtful, polite boy, what was MY problem? When I asked (in front of him) why, if he wasn’t in need of special services, he couldn’t remember his address and phone number when it’s been the same for 13 years and we’ve been working on learning it all that time, the teacher reassured him with much sympathy to him that it was okay to not remember, he could just write it down and carry it in his pocket (while glaring at me for being so insensitive). I have advocated until I am just sick of it, I have worked with him until I want to “throw him in the back yard” – but can’t because he screams his head off if he’s made to go outside and it’s not his idea – the neighbors love hearing this kid scream like he’s being skinned alive, begging to come in the house. “Please, I’ll do anything, just let me come back in, I’m cold/hot/hungry/tired” is a favorite phrase. I am so….tired and forget respite care, I have done that one time ever (recently) and it was a disaster. He ate himself sick and totally snowed the respite provider into thinking he was just hungry all the time (no self-control) and wasn’t being fed enough. The thing is – if this child was eating like he is and obese, EVERYONE would be saying that he needs help. Instead, he’s practically a stick-boy, very short and fragile looking for his age and people think if he were really eating the way we say, well, then it just can’t still be enough. Give the boy another cookie!
Sorry so long, I am just mesmerized by your descriptions of life – they are so right on – thanks for being so honest, we all need to hear someone else say the things we’re thinking/saying/living too.
Comment by Lisa — May 17, 2008 @ 3:27 am |
Sweet Jesus, Lisa.
WHAT a trap you’re in. NO APOLOGY necessary for your long post. Bring it, babe – that’s why we’re here.
Geneva steals, lies, eats until forever and won’t stop until she’s forced to. Once, as an experiment (about two weeks ago) I piled her plate SO high with food that it looked ridiculous and I was just going to sit back and see what she did with it, because I thought there was no way she could eat it all. Not only did she eat it, she asked for more. Hopeless. Maybe we should get these kids into competitive eating as a career? She actually saw a clip on that while flipping channels once and was completely mesmerized by it…..I believe its a sensory issue. Her strange twist – she never asks to be fed, either. She does not feel hunger and she does not feel full. Sensory Integration madness.
She still can’t recite her phone # or address – 4 years here, so not quite as bad as your son, but I’d be surprised if she ever got it. Don’t you just LOVE the other adults glaring you down like you’re an evil bitch? When you’re simply stating the obvious? At least what’s obvious to US, and so many of the ‘professionals’ around them are completely snowed? It’s maddening!!!!!! We are supposed to meet some friends for vacation in the Pocono’s in about a month and share a condo space with them. I’m HORRIFIED at the idea of bringing Geneva into their vacation space! This morning I woke up fretting about getting a sitter/respite care for her so the rest of the family can go in peace and actually enjoy our damn selves. She’s ruined every – single – vacation – and – family – holiday – since she came into our lives. Without fail, she flat out f’s it up and makes it crap. Our last experiment? A 10 day cruise, to the tune of about 6 grand which killed me to do (I have a gluttonous American problem and have issues with spoiled/luxurious lifestyles, etc.) So we did this cruise and within an hour of being on board she almost got herself and her baby sister killed, got thrown out of the children’s program twice and spent at least one night heavily heavily sedated and sleeping in the bathtub, away from the rest of us. It was sick. At that moment I swore she’d never ruin another family vacation again. But what the hell do I do with her? She’s getting a ‘name’ in the community for being difficult, unpredictable. Having kids like this is a prison, period. My heart goes out to you because it sounds like your son’s behaviors are even more extreme than Geneva’s, and medication has made such a difference for her I can’t begin to tell you. She’s still her lively self, still inclined to swipe things, still too hyper and talks incessantly….on and on and on jibberish, jibberish, jibberish – makes you want to reach for the nearest roll of industrial strength duct tape. Sounds like you’ve reached out for LOTS of help and I don’t blame you ONE BIT for being “negative”, and I don’t think you ARE negative. Given the circumstances you are dealing with – a mostly grown boy who basically runs your family and makes life more difficult than life should ever be? Girl, you have earned the right to shout about this – and all the while all you wanted was to be a good mom.
Thank you for commenting on my honesty – it’s a scary thing to say bad things about your kids. Am I abusive? What’s my problem? But there are houses all over America FULL of BIG problems and those problems are going to be unleashed on society!!! Sometimes I google “women in prison” photos and show Geneva. I tell her, “See this? This is what happens when you don’t control yourself. This is what happens when you STEAL.” Will it sink in? Make a difference? I don’t know, but I’ve got to pull every trick out of the bag to get her to FEEL something. It chaps my hide. Depressing. Tiring.
Hang in there. It’s not easy and we have no other choice really. And I think that’s what angers me the most. I made a choice to adopt this kid and now I have no choice but to deal with her. Excuse me, she’s in here annoying the hell out of me now – asking to do MORE MORE MORE, wanting MORE MORE MORE. It’s never enuf. Never. These kids are like black holes that cannot be filled, yet we are somehow counting on ourselves to fill them. Lord help us all. WE need milk & Mercy.
Comment by feistyhw — May 17, 2008 @ 3:55 pm |
Thank you so much for responding – you get it!!! THANK YOU!!
My son ruins every holiday and we don’t even try to take vacations anymore. When he was little, he was so horrible driving anywhere that I finally broke down and gave him Benadryl before we left and he slept two hours, and awoke to torment us all for the next 12.
On Mothers Day, last weekend, he declared that his ear was killing him (this kid NEVER complains about real pain, he feels nothing – but try to take him by the arm and redirect him somewhere in public and watch out – he screams like a banshee and acts like his arm is being wrenched off his body). I asked “Why?” because he’s so full of crap most days who knows what imaginative answer I’ll get? His answer? “Well, a couple of years ago I stuck a battery-sized magnet in my ear and it’s still in there”. Excuse me?!!? I looked and there is something in there, but I can’t tell if it’s just old earwax or an actual object covered in earwax. He’s been to the doctor several times, they never saw it. I KNOW it wasn’t two years ago since this kid has no sense of time, but still…do I take him to the Urgent Care clinic on a Sunday and tell them my 14 yo stuck a battery in his ear? Yeah….right. I ended up putting Vitamin E oil in his ear canal and flushed out a ton of earwax, but there’s still more….however, within an hour he wasn’t complaining of pain anymore and he’d stolen a bag of giant bagels that he’d hidden IN (as in rip open the seam and hide them in there) his comforter so he recovered nicely 😦
I have piled Daniel’s plate to ridiculous extremes as well and he eats it all and either asks for more or sneaks other stuff anyway so what’s the point? I definitely think it’s a sensory thing as well, but Daniel has taken it to another level with it becoming an obsession. I don’t believe he ever feels hungry or full, but he’s had so many teachers/therapists address this problem with him and they have given him excuses that he’s convinced himself are the TRUTH. Many have outright asked him “Are you hungry? Is that why you stole so and so’s lunch?” He sees this as an acceptable answer – meaning he gets sympathy instead of punishment, so he goes with that. He actually stole the art teachers entire lunch, from under her desk, in the middle of class, and ate the entire thing at his desk (no one noticed??) and when he was forced to apologize a few days later her response to him was, “It’s okay honey, if you ever feel like stealing food again, you come to me and we’ll get you a snack” – WTF???? I just stood there dumbfounded, I couldn’t speak I was so furious!! His OT pulled my 11th grade daughter out of class last year to ask her if I may just “forget” to feed Daniel because I have so many kids. WHAT? Forget to feed someone who is obsessed with food? Not a chance. She told her that she just couldn’t believe Daniel was eating as much as we claimed – well take him home for a week and make sure you weigh him at the beginning and end of your time together because he won’t gain a pound no matter what he eats. Oh yeah, I had ten kids at home at the time (2 are 21 and 22 and have moved out since then) so I guess it sounded reasonable to the OT that I might “forget” to feed someone. My daughter was really pissed that her warped brothers’ behavior was impeding on her quality time without him during class.
As far as the “women in prison” thing – my sons bio-father has spent most of the last decade in prison for things like theft, forging checks, assault, etc. One day my husband looked up Daniels’ dad on the MI jail website (his brother is a cop so I think that’s how he heard about it) and showed it to him. Mean? Cruel? Uncalled for? I don’t know if it made any difference. He told him that his bio-dad had made alot of poor choices and look at where he’s spent most of his life? Did he want to live in jail too? Maybe they could form a relationship in prison if they were placed in the same cell block? I’ve already told him many times that if he gets arrested I will NOT bail him out, pay for an attorney or let him come home. We ARE teaching him right from wrong, he is either incapable of learning or is just doing what’s easiest for himself. If he’s incapable, please get me a signed letter stating this so he can live under someone else’s supervision for the rest of his life (notice I didn’t say MY supervision?) and not have the book thrown at him when he’s caught for the 40th time stealing from the grocery store. If he is INCAPABLE, then he should receive services, right? I guess if he drooled all the time or did something else socially unacceptable (besides stealing?) he’d get some help. He can pass for normal for short periods of time so he’s on his own. You’re right, all these kids are going to be unleashed on society eventually – I shudder to think of that, but it’s going to happen. THEN, we’ll be paying for expanded prison services – nice.
Someone told me the other day that I was LUCKY that it was just food Daniel is obsessed with and not drugs, alcohol or sex. Well he is only 14 and is developmentally at a 8 yo level (on his best day) so lets give that some time, shall we? If he’s this obsessed about food, why wouldn’t his addiction proceed onto bigger and better things as he gets older? Why not deal with the behavior NOW with the food to help him better understand his addictive personality later on down the road? I’m truly an inpatient person so this “wait and see” approach I’ve been hammered with since he was a year old has me in knots. I continuously question what kind of Mom I would be without all of the bullshit I have to put up with Daniel. I know I’ve changed (for the worse) and I hate the Mom I have become. I’ve been saying that Daniel is a black hole and nothing is ever enough since he was about 3 years old and it’s just gotten worse.
I feel so much guilt for insisting on bringing this child into our home. I know I couldn’t have known how he’d be when having him placed here at 10 mos., but what now?
Thanks again — Lisa
Comment by Lisa — May 18, 2008 @ 2:11 pm |
Hey Donna!
I’m back…no email, no computers, no news 5 days….heaven….
Thanks for the peeing laugh….I needed it.
Keep up the great work! You are an awesome mom!
Lisa A.
P.S. I would seriously consider respite while you go on vacation. Somewhere NOT fun for the little princess. Wish you were close to me. I ‘d volunteer. Yup…I really said that!
L
Comment by Lisa — May 19, 2008 @ 6:33 pm |
Hello Laides!! Well, I am absolutely bowled over when I hear your descriptions of Daniel. How in God’s name are you going to get out of this with your sanity?? I’ll never know!! 😦 And that art teacher, holy crap. Sounds like this kid is the master manipulator of the universe! All his screaming and acting tortured – I don’t know how you keep going, honestly I don’t. He knows exactly how to get what he wants, doesn’t he? Luckily, Geneva’s not that bright. Sneaky as a fox, but dumb as a box of rocks. Seriously, I estimate her functional IQ to be about 80-85. Example, yesterday she wanted to take her $10 to the store, so we began the money exchange dialogue….like, “If you want to buy something for 5 dollars and you give them 10, how many dollars will you get back in change?” Her answers? “2”. “100”. So I have to run the entire gambit of “what is 5+5, what is 10-5, 5+? is 10″…basic 1st/2nd grade math and she is 12. Anyway, I SOOOOO get it and I am also SOOOOOO sorry. I know what you mean about feeling guilty for bringing this kid into your family. Sometimes I see my husband just look at me like, “She was YOUR idea.” Of course, our other daughter who spins and turns our universe and is a dream-of-a-child was ALSO my idea, so I guess I’m 1 for 2, huh? And LISA A. – You BETTER be glad you don’t live around here, ’cause I would take you up on your respite care offer in a nano-second!!! Only other mothers of Radish and FAS kids get it – I’m beginning to feel like the ‘professionals’ don’t even get it because they don’t LIVE with these little devils. About Daniels food obsessions, I share your fear that it will simply transfer to drugs or sex or something completely harmful as he gets older. I’ve also told Geneva that I will not be saving her if the police come for her, that she knows right from wrong and if she’s dangerous to the world then I will have to let the world deal with her in their own way. Something like that must sound HORRIBLE to parents of regular children, but when you spend thousands upon thousands of waking moments teaching, teaching, re-teaching the same concepts to these kids and they basically turn around and spit in your face…well, let the chips fall where they may. My darling husband is convinced that some people just can’t be saved, that they are beyond help. And when you look at the homeless population and the numbers of seriously mentally ill people in the world, I guess he’s right. Some broken things cannot be fixed. This “wait & see” approach you’ve been fed. WTF’s up with that? Wait? How much longer? Let’s see….he’s been acting this way for…..how long? Like all his life?? I wanted to cry when you said you hate the mom you’ve become. That is so shattering. But honey, you’ve been beaten down again and again. ANYONE would be angry, I know I am and Geneva MAY have a partial let up on Daniel in the bad behavior dept. But I understand what you’re saying, truly I do. Some days, you just want to erase them from the family, as if they were a pencil drawing. And feeling like *that* is no picnic. What kind of beast am I? I’m an ANNOYED beast!! Geneva came home from school 10 minutes ago with a note that she got in trouble for unfurling a paper clip and chewing on it and would not stop. She will pick up any debris from the floor and shove it in her mouth like a friggin’ puppy. It’s disgusting. I tell her, “You’re going to cut your mouth and get an infection. You’re going to pick up a nasty germ.” So, after 5 years of telling her the same GD thing over and over I’m supposed to NOT be unhappy about it? It’s like have a perpetual toddler, chewing things, messing her pants, lying, stealing (only toddlers don’t know the difference), jumping on the furniture, doing embarrassing things in public and dangerous things. On the cruise ship she got SO pissed off at the rock climbing wall because she refused to do the beginners route and naturally failed at the intermediate level that she threw a huge, very shameful, fit and ran off. The poor family that had hooked up with us because our other daughter’s had become fast friends, got sucked into combing the ship with us for Geneva. It was beyond humiliating…chasing this friggin’ kid all over ship, wondering what angry things she had done along the way and to whom. I never relaxed, not once in 10 days, on that God forsaken luxury liner. All because “she” was on board. She’d already almost killed herself having “fun” and nearly took her little sister with her. I bet you never relax either, do you? You can’t. And that wears you out, it ages your soul, and unfortunately, it changes the person you are. In fact, it has probably changed you so much that you forgot to feed your kids!!! PLEEEASE! WHAT are these people trying to do to you, make you crazier? That being said, I wish there was a way I could support you or help you. I mean that. I wish somebody could help me! We’ve made these painful beds and now we must lay in them. Ug. Yick. Sigh. Shit. But you ladies, women with HARD children, I’m thinking of you and praying for you and I’m still lookin’ for that magic wand to make them all better. Abra-Cadabra, my kid is normal. Ala-Kazam, all is well in my family. If any of you find that missing wand, let me know…maybe you’ll find my missing mind while you’re looking…..
Comment by feistyhw — May 19, 2008 @ 8:08 pm |
I left you a message and it never popped up. Can you email me privately? lisaamos@payco.org
You rock!
Lisa A.
Comment by Lisa — May 20, 2008 @ 7:08 pm |
Where did you go? Long time no blog!
Comment by kari — July 7, 2008 @ 1:51 am |